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Halloween From the home office in LaOtto, Indiana, The Top Ten Reasons Halloween is a Strange Holiday: It's the only time of the year that . . . 10. . . . you can cross dress without having to come out of the closet. 9. . . . Americans actually consume a waxy substance known as "candy corn." (The rest of the year the material is used to manufacture patio candles and toilet seals.) 8. . . . wearing a white sheet is politically correct. 7. . . . extortion is legal under the guise of "Trick or Treat." ("Hand over the candy or I'll toilet paper your house." You see, this is how protection rackets get started. One day it's Tootsie Rolls, the next it's unmarked, non-sequential twenty-dollar bills!) 6. . . . children can play with knives and matches. (That's my theory why kids love to carve jack-o-lanterns and light them.) 5. . . . the fashion police takes a day off. 4. . . . after 364 days of spending billions of dollars to look beautiful, America spends another million to sport warts, long noses, the complexion of a corpse, and teeth only an orthodontist could love. 3. . . . no one is on a diet! 2. . . . You can wear a mask and go house to house collecting loot in a pillow case--without spending time serving time. And, the number one reason Halloween is a strange holiday . . . people celebrate the holiday (which is short for "holy day") of "All Hallows Evening" (an ancient rite of moral purification before "All Saints Day") by dressing up as devils, witches, axe murderers, and other morally challenged characters. So, what can we conclude about this schizophrenic celebration? It's the one day of the year we're free to be less than beautiful, to shun the fascist fashion police, eat our body weight in miniature candy bars, and feel safe in welcoming total strangers--warts and all--to enjoy our hospitality. Then again, it's probably just some big marketing scheme by greedy costume makers, card companies, and dentists. But do enjoy those Hershey dark chocolate bars. (c) 1997 James N. Watkins |
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