• "Anyone with brains knows not to take anything posted here too seriously, it's a sandbox for adults."

• A Canadian says to the his friend "Who was that lady I saw you with, eh?" and the other Canadian says "That was my wife."

• I'll guarantee you that our founding forefathers(sp?) wrote the First Amendment with the intent of preventing the suppression of differing religious practices, scientific and political theories, and so on and so forth. They most ASSUREDLY had no intention whatsoever of creating the right for bums to behave abusively towards others.

• "Don't feed the sick puppy, it'll only make a mess on the rug."

• "Let's illegalize short boats"

• Redneck Ode to Valentine's (read left to right)

You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.

And speakin' of wits,
You've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me
Back in '74.

Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And stick 'em in the can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant
Upon which I oft' tread.

Cut from the best pattern
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.

You're as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.

On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
I'm plumb outta my wits.

Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.

Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad
When you hold me real tight

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it's a new trollin' motor.

• Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: 1,343

  1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed;
  14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently;
  7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;
  27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs;
  53 to flame the spell checkers;
  41 to correct spelling/grammar flames;
  6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb";
  another 6 to condemn those 6 as retentive;
  156 to write to the list administrator about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list;

  109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to litebulb-l;
  203 to demand that cross posting to grammar-l, spelling-l and illuminati-l about changing light bulbs be stopped;
  111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this mail list;
  306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty;
  
  27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs;
  14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's;
  3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list;
  
  33 to link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers and then add "Me too";
  12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy;
  19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three";
  4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ;
  44 to ask what is "FAQ";
  4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago on Usenet?"

  143 to ask "what's Usenet?"

From the pen of John McCulley:

• Why do those that know the least know it the loudest...?

From the pen of Kenny King:

• Historians have recently discovered that the Dark Ages
  were caused by the Y1K problem.

From the pen of Richard Culpeper regarding "The joys of acronymic redundancy"

• Considering the Lands for Life report, which will trash just about every river in the province, I think it is safe to say that Progressive Conservative has gone beyond oxymoronic to moronic.

From "BP" Tom Lucas:

• In response to: "Wanting surf can lead to needing surf can lead to expecting surf and to preparing for surf and then notification of wanted, needed, expected surf - Ray" Tom wrote:

  "When your Jonesin' for surf, it's sort of like a thirsty man in the dessert, you begin to hallucinate waves where there are none. "

From the mind and pen of Scott Weiser:

• "this is the Usenet, and it's not reality."
• "I assiduously avoid the constant use of gutter language so as to avoid the appearance of an ignoramus, sans wit"
• "Sounds like a typical admission of defeat from the mind of an animatronic amphibian.
  Why don't you just croak....."
• "Well, you're right that he's wrong, but you're right for the wrong reasons, so you're both wrong."

From bigrocketman2:

• "Apparently some medieval mini-megalomaniac has been clogging up this group about the absolute supremacy of one individual's property rights. "

From: Aggro Aussie, Sydney Australia; Letter to Surfer Mag, 11/77.

• "Give professional surfers their media coverage, but don't portray them as the whole of surfing, or even a major part of it; but as a smaller, freak aspect of it. For while they are squabbling over whether the third turn on that size 3 wave was a 5-point reentry or a 4-point top turn, the true surfer is sliding smoothly from a stunningly beautiful tube on a faraway reef, and quietly whispering, 'Thank you.'"

From Dan Cytron:

• "Maybe we should spam the pornography newsgroups with whitewater boat ads."

From Nelson Highley:

• "There is the same kind of mystical connection between Coleman canoes and rocks that there is between trailers and tornadoes."

From Dangerous Dave:

• "Irishmen know the power of positive drinking."

From the pen of RWFarnum:

• "The number of board surfers out is directly proportional to the size of the break.  The number of kayak surfers out is inversely proportional to the size of the break."
• "Out here in the country, S*** is called manure.  Course, it is occasionally referred to as "Awwwww" when you're bare footed, it's fresh and you just stepped in it. (Usually said with squinted eyes, teeth clenched and sagged shoulders)
  My experience is that people who refer to it as S*** are not from farm country and are not concerned with people thinking of them as being "An Ignoramus sans wit due to the constant use of gutter language" (Thanks for the partial quote Scottso).
• "Some times you show up at a break, the forecast gale winds don't materialize and the 6' clean is uninhabited by "surfis longis boredus" and their close cousins "Shortboardus stealus wavus".   It is wonderful to have it all to yourself once in a while . . ."

From the pen of Riviera Ratt:

• A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?" "What type?" the woman asked. "Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on. "Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney." "That's $250,000," the doctor replied. "Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs." "Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied.
• Hey, did you know that Windows 2000 is behind schedule? That's right --Microsoft has announced that it will ship in the first quarter of the year 1901.
• You can signal "thanks for running me over in your big-ol' raft and nearly ending my experience in this corporeal form" by a simple universal gesture often employed on our highways.
• "A doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer were in a boat, and it was sinking. There was room for only two in the liferaft, and the water was full of sharks. "Take the liferaft," said the lawyer, "since you two are more important to society than I am."After arguing, the teacher and doctor rowed the liferaft the 200+ feet to shore, sharks swarming around the boat all the way. When they got to shore, they shuddered as they watched the lawyer bravely dive in, ready to accept a quick fate. To their amazement, from 200 feet, they could see the sharks part and allow him to swim to safety. When he clumb out onto shore, he saw the amazed quizzical expressions on their face. He simply replied, "Professional courtesy."

From the pen (real author unknown) of Ray:

• "There once was a guy who was really sick and needed a brain transplant.  He was offered two replacement possibilities: a male brain for 3 million (US Dollars) or a female brain for 1 million (US Dollars). 
  
  Sooooo, he asked, why was the female brain as so inexpensive?
  
  It was used."

From the pen of Chris K.:

• "Yeowww!  The testestrone is ooozing right out of my screen...."

Have you seen a short post you might like to see here? If you see something wizened and worthwhile, send it along.  All suggestions must include original author's name and Usenet newsgroup. Enjoy!

RIRiders@QuietWaters.org

Wizened Suggestions

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---"Don't blame this web page for your bad judgment"